Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
last night I used snow as a chaser
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
