Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
