I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
