Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize