Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
