Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was