i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
