god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
These 21 FaceApped Celebrities Will Make You LOL
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
25 People Confess Their Favorite Way To Annoy Their Significant Other
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life