I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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