At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
