FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
