well I can't set my house on fire every night
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Randomize
