If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
