Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i came on her dog
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
