can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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