i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
