Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
