so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
