can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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