my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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