I can text with my tongue
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
