T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
i think i just lost a toe
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
