At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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