I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
