Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
