Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
