checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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