No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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