I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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