He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
