Michael Bay diarrhea
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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