My balls are so social today.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
