Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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