You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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