On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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