I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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