Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
