the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
