I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
