His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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