thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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