Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Never underestimate the power of titties
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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