Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you would pick up someone in the library
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I intend to get homeless drunk
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
