I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
