think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
In other news, I just burned my penis
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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