Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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