My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
