dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
the night ended with taco bell and tears
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
