Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
