when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
