you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
