i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
