I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
