need another drink. this is the easiest way
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
