why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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