My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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