She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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