i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
